found in a yahoo group *G*

[mystisblom]

Good evening, mortals, I'd like to introduce myself. I'm Sauron,the
Lord of the Rings.

Caught the title, did you? I should expect so. Most of you idiots might
remember the title to the movie with Frodo, Legolas, and/or Aragorn in
it. Which is why we're going to have a little conversation.

*I* am the Lord of the Rings. Not some midget with hairy feet and blue
eyes the size of saucer plates. Not some pretty boy with pointy ears
and a blond wig. Not some loser king-turned-ranger-turned-king badly in
need of a haircut and a shave. Me. Sauron. The Deceiver. The real
honest-to-Tolkien Lord of the Rings.

I don't mean to complain. I'm glad you came to see my movie. But you
seem to have lost focus. The bloody movie is named after ME!! It's not
"Midget Carrying A Ring," or "Cute Elf Boy," or "Sexy Ranger." It's "Lord
of the Rings." If it was about one of the above, I'm sure they would
have renamed it to "The Ringbearer," or some other flowery title.

I am *sick* and *tired* of you little fangirls (and a few of the
fanboys) going on about how cute Frodo was. Or how hot Legolas was. Or how
sexy Aragorn was. Are they the real stars of the movie? No. I am. Without
*me*, there would be no movie!!

Without a doubt, *I* am the most important character in the movie.
Middle Earth depends on me to oppress it and wreak havoc and evil. Do you
have any idea how hard it is to corrupt, taint, destroy, and ruin
*everything* you touch? It's not easy, let me tell you. It's hard work being
an
overlord of evil! I have all these evil plans to concoct, and there's a
lot of appearances to be made. I hardly get any sleep, what with having
to keep an eye out for everything those idiots do to try and thwart me.

But do I have any fangirls? Do I have ridiculous girls who collect
images of me, and devote entire shrines to how sexy I am? Do I get any
appreciation? No. I am unloved, uncared for, and in the end, I have to die,
just to make the heroes look good. Would you even appreciate Frodo
completely if it weren't for *my* ring? Would you like Legolas so much if
I didn't provide his targets for him to show off with a bow? Would you
think Aragorn was so sexy if he never had to draw his sword and fight
off my minions? Would you have liked the movie as much if I didn't
arrange for the dramatic deaths of at least two characters? If it weren't
for me, there'd be no movie.

Now, I know I don't have a pretty face and long, blond hair. Or big
blue eyes and a sensitive face. Or smoldering green eyes and classic good
looks. But a little appreciation would be nice. What about my lidless
eye, wreathed in flames, eh? Now that's cool.Does Frodo have a lidless
eye wreathed in flames? I think not. Hell, he can barely keep his eyes
symmetrical without photo manipulation. And what about my cool metal
suit of armor? Does Legolas have a suit of intimidating armor? No, he
doesn't.

All he has is some frippy Elf clothing, and stupid braids. And he walks
like a girl. And what about my piece d' resistance? The One Ring? Does
Aragorn have the One Ring at any point of the movie? No, he's so scared
of it, he sends off the little hobbit like a coward. And he spends more
time
touching Legolas and Boromir in that movie than Arwen. (Wonder what
*that's* all about, eh?)

Obviously, I have some interesting qualities I feel are overlooked. All
you fangirls (and fanboys) need to stop drooling after Frodo, Legolas,
and Aragorn. Stop it with the obsession!! You're losing focus for the
movie!! Do you think Tolkien created those characters so you could chase
after
them in your sexual fantasies? I think not. The old bastard w as way
too interested in cross-dressing women to create male fantasies for you.
*I* am the star of the show. And I want to be loved for what I am, and
what I do!!

I mean, look at yourselves. Just *look* at what you've turned
into.Instead of appreciating the film, the books, or even the important message
behind the story (don't steal other people's jewelry),you chase after
the male characters in the story. I've even seen shrines to Boromir.
Boromir!! He bloody well died, you know!! The loser practically tried to
rip Frodo limb-from-limb to get the ring, and yet, you appreciate *him*,
just because he tried to save those idiots, Merry and Pippin. The fools
got everyone in trouble more times than *I* did in the film, and you
still like *them*. I barely had to do *any* evil in the first movie.
Pippin was doing a rather nice job of it all by himself.

Take the scribe of my message, J. Marie, for inst ance. The fool girl
has a shrine to naked Viggo Mortenson pictures on her hard drive. Now
that's sad. She has filled up folders of precious memory with pictures of
Orlando Bloom. She's wasted countless hours agonizing over writing
fanfiction (about Aragorn and Legolas, no less). She's seen the movie *six*
times, with no end in sight as of this writing, simply so she can drool
over Aragorn and Legolas. It's pathetic, I tell you.

Where are my shrines? Why does she go to the bathroom during the parts
of the movie before Aragorn shows up? Why does she concern herself with
the pizza grease on her hands during *my* scenes, yet didn't even
notice her brother spilling Pepsi all over her pants when Aragorn was
fighting the Nazgul? It's unfair.

She'll quote you *Gollum* before she can mention anything that I have
done to make this film great. She just shrugs and tells all her friends
she hopes Aragorn gets a nude scene in the next movie!! How degrading!!

And where were *my* Oscar nominations?? Nobody would care about Gandalf
if it weren't for *me*!! He'd be nothing without *me* to define him!!
It's an injustice!!!

And don't even get me started on the fanfiction. Where's my sex scenes?
(I'm a lover, not a fighter, you know.) My thoughts and angst?? Where's
my slash moments (I personally think that Gandalf and I need to get the
hook-up), or the times when I kidnap Arwen from Aragorn? Where's the
Mary
Sues that try to get *me* to marry them? I'll have you know I have some
very nice love poetry stored up for just that occasion. It's always
about Aragorn, Legolas, or Frodo!!
I'm asking for some focus here. For people to recognize that the Lord
of the Rings is about ME. The Lord of the Rings. Not the ranger who
needs to shave. Not the Elf who looks like a girl at a distance. And
certainly not some computer-midget-ized hobbit with eyes too big for his
face. I'll get
him. And his little dog, too.

I *demand* equal rights. I want web shrines, folders full of images of
me on your hard drive, people paying eight bucks a pop just to see *me*
on screen repeatedly, fanfiction, love scenes, Mary Sue fics, grand
kidnapping the damsel scenes, horrific storylines, and angst-filled
stories!! I *am* the Lord of the Rings!! It's all about ME!! ME!!!
MEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

SAURON - THE LORD OF THE RINGS